The problem with excess

I used to carry around 7 stone of excess fat. I pried myself off the sofa, got off my excessively fat arse and lost the excess fat through healthy diet and exercise.  There were no gastric band or bypass, no faddy diets, no diet pills, simply a matter of calories in vs calories out.  The years of carrying around the excess fat has left me with excess skin on every part of my body except for calves and forearms. This is a fact that I am not ashamed of, the benifits of losing the excess fat far outweigh the negative. However the excess skin does affect me physically and mentally every single day. Why am I telling you this? Well today I am really peed off and need to vent.

I want to draw a line under seeing myself as fat and unfit but I can’t. The excess skin is a constant reminded of the person that I used to be. In bad moments I see it or feel it underneath my clothes and think “If I am going to have excess skin I may as well fill it with fat”. Some days I see it and think that I am still morbidly obese and unfit, but a month ago I ran a half marathon in 2 hours 7 minutes. When I run I can feel it uncomfortable jiggling, when I am on my bike it slaps the top of my thigh every single pedal stroke. The thought has crossed my mind to give up cycling because the constant feeling of the excess skin it gets me down but cycling is something that I love doing and makes me feel alive.

I am pretty open about the whole thing. Some people say “but you can’t tell by looking at you” or “I have seen you in lycra and it doesn’t look too bad”. This makes me feel like I am making the whole thing up, that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but I am not. There are moments when people say this and all I want to strip down to my bra and pants and ask them “this doesn’t look too bad”, but that isn’t really my style.

Why I am I particularly pissed, angry, annoyed and frustrated today? I went to see my GP (who is really supportive) to follow-up about a funding application to the NHS to get the excess skin on my stomach removed. The application has been rejected due to “no exceptionality”. In order to get the funding you have to be like everyone else in your circumstances, but be exception. I have already been to see an NHS plastic surgeon who said that I was an “ideal candidate” but the funding for the surgery has been rejected. This type of surgery is deemed “cosmetic” and “elective” which makes it sound like I want it done just for kicks. I have given myself a healthy future hopefully free of the obesity related diseases but need help.

I don’t know what more I can do. I have kept the bulk of the weight off for the last 3 years, at my lowest weight I was 12st 0.5lb but this was unsustainable weight for me and am currently around 14st and training to cycle from London to Paris in July 2012. For those of you wondering how far that is it is 300 miles in 3 days. In the time since losing the weight I have attended the funeral of 2 family members and 1 close friend, seperated one shoulder, broken collarbone on the other, gone through painful physio and bought a flat, these haven’t been stress free years and I haven’t gone back to my really bad habits. Right now I am peed, tearful and upset (but not eating comfort food). 

M

xxx

Gumption

There is a little part of me that struggles with the masculine language often used in cycling. I am a 5ft9ish, broad, large women and am not very feminine.

Muddy Muddy Muddy

Yesterday I went on a mountain bike training course with Surrey Hills All Terrain MTB with other Kingston Wheelers. When the instructor Glen was talking to us he was struggling to find an apt word to describe the guts, balls and gusto that you need to have when mountain biking, I suddenly remembered the word gumption and remembered how much I loved the word. I first heard it in the film The Holiday and I haven’t thought about it for a while.

Glen brought mountain biking back to the simple basics. In theory they sound really obvious and easy but undoing bad habits is alot harder. The main thing that I took away was the need to look up and to trust my peripheral vision. It sounds so easy but it isn’t. There are moments where I feel like I am flowing down the trail, over roots and down drops but then something catches my attention just infront of my front wheel. I feel my stomach tighten and the speed drops. I know in my head that speed is my friend and yet I automatically go for the brakes. I feel like I have lost it completely.

Muddy Muddy Muddy

There was one specific point where there was hidden dip in the trail and near the bottom was a root and as soon as I saw it I just stopped. I spoke to Glen about how to ride it, he left it up to me whether to walk it or ride it. He went down infront of me, demonstrating just how slowly it could be ridden. I looked at it for a few minutes, took a breath and then thought “Gumption, f*ck it”. I went back up the trail, turned the bike around, started to ride down the trail, struggled to clip back in, a moment of doubt but gumption. There was a flicker of a familiar knot in my stomach and then found myself at the other side of the dip still on my bike with a smile on my mud splattered face.

The whole dip probably took a few seconds. To anyone watching it probably wasn’t a massive achievement but to me it meant so much. Only I know the battle I had with my head, no-one can take it away from me. My bike and clothes have been washed and can’t wait to get out on it again.

M
x

Bath Half Marathon

 “Don’t Cry for the ghosts of days gone by”

Yesterday I ran the Bath Half marathon. I suspect that this blog will be a bit fragmented. So much happened over the weekend that I am not quite sure how to cram it all in without boring you.

Saturday

My number

Bath was familiar and yet different. I wandered to the start village and suddenly it felt very real. I entered Bath Half on a complete whim whilst recovering from my broken collarbone.

I met up with my friend Kate who was also running her first half. We met through weight watchers and she is awesome. She understands many of my crazy thoughts. She has a tattoo with a quote that I really like “Don’t cry for the ghosts of days gone by”. Bath was full of my ghosts that I was trying to lay to rest.

That night I had a mini freak out, I felt like a fraud, all the gear no idea, I hadn’t done enough training, I should have run more, should have eaten less, lost a few more pounds. I knew that I had done the distance but that was a fluke. I have a tendency towards being a glass-half-full kind of girl. I know somewhere I must be optimistic deep inside otherwise I wouldn’t have undertaken a half marathon or losing the weight.

Sunday

Kate and I (I'm in Pink)

That night I didn’t sleep too well, for possibly the first time ever I dreamt that threw up. The Bath Half started at 11am, my alarm was set for 8.30am but I woke at 7am. I was restless and I just couldn’t stay in bed. All my previous long runs I had got up and gone. I really didn’t enjoy the waiting,  my thoughts to go around and around. I could feel my heart pounding and I hadn’t even started running.

My lovely (slightly mad) cousin Katie rang. She has run several halves. Katie was a calming and stabilising influence. She reminded me that I could do it, that I had done the training and I just needed to get on with it. She also said that there were people less prepared than me running in new kit and I saw someone with a bleeding heel after a couple of miles.

The run passed both slowly and quickly.  I remember moments but I am not quite sure what order they happened it. Once I crossed the start line I just ran, I occasionally looked at my pace but didn’t concern myself too much about it. I was trying to run in the moment, the kilometer that I was running not the next one, or the one after that.

At one point I saw about 8 army guys walking carrying packs. Another runner asked them how much their packs weighed and they replied 40lb. My initial reaction was “that is a lot of weight” then I realised that I used to carry two of those packs around all the time. There were kids along the route waiting for high fives. The route in Bath is supposed to be a “flat and fast” course – I would like to say that this is false advertising, I can think of at least 4 cheeky hills.

Turning onto Great Pultney Street I saw the clock reading 2.14. The clock is the gun time ie starts when the fasty fasty runners cross the line. The clock was already at 9ish minutes when I crossed the line. Seeing the 2.14 spurred me on to sprint with all that I had left. After crossing the line I just couldn’t believe it and almost broke down in tears but there was nothing left to cry with. Below are my official results:

My official results

When I got back to my hotel room I took off my trainers sat on the bed looked down at my pulsating feet and couldn’t believe that I had done it.

What time are you aiming for?

Soon I will be running my first ever half marathon in Bath. I used to know Bath very well, the last time I was in Bath was in June 2007 when I graduated from the abbey. I have done and seen a lot in the last 5 years. Graduation day was a really proud moment when I got to celebrate 3 years of hard work and I return hoping that my 5 years of hard work will pay off.

21km run

A number of times I have been asked the question “what time are you aiming for?” and it is a question I have also asked myself. I have asked friends, asked twitter, looked at the statistics of my runs and played with running pace calculators. I have run a 10km (9.7km) race in 53.05 but could I have sustained the same pace for another 10km and then for than final km? I have done one (hilly) 21km run in 2.26, but what affect will the “flat and fast” course have? What affect will the crowds have? What mental affect will returning to Bath have? What affect will not knowing when to use affect and when to use effect have (I am a computer programmer for a reason)?

When I went and saw Garry Palmer back in November 2011 he posed the question to me. My response was that I wanted to run it, from start to finish, no walking any of it. Walking to me meant giving up, that I hadn’t trained enough and was a sign of weakness. Garry quickly poo poo-ed that idea, he stated his PB (personal best) marathon time (which I have forgotten – sorry Garry) and that he had walked part of it. He then outlined 3 times

1. good day (2hr30)
2.  an amazing day (2hr15) 
3.  ”everything has gone perfect” day 2hrs.

 At the time I thought that he was crazy. At that point I could not envisage run for 2hrs+, let alone run a half marathon in that time. I spoke to him the other day and he reminded me of those times and today they feel achievable, hard but achievable. Right now I have no more training sessions left and to adapt something my mum says to me [the time] will be what it will be and there is no doing anything about it.

Moments that take my breath away

Whilst out running I realised that the time taken from start line to finish line isn’t the time that is most important to me. Don’t get me wrong I want to do myself proud and get a “decent” time but what is most important is the time that I have added to my life, and the life that I have added to my life. As the old saying goes “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”  There have been many times that running has physically taken my breath away, when I try to discover just where my limits actually are rather than where I think that they are. When I am breathing so hard because my muscles need all the oxygen that they can get. They need the oxygen because I am using them, not letting them atrophy whilst sat just watching other people live life on the tv.

So, what time am I aiming for in the Bath Half?

• To quieten that voice that thinks that I can’t do it and that I am still fat and unfit
• To hold my head high
• Finish with a smile on my face (and probably fighting back the tears)
• Relax, soak up the atmosphere

M
xxx

Train Hard, Race Easy

2012 is not even 8 weeks old and so much has happened. It is now less than 4 weeks until the Bath Half Marathon. It has been a rollercoaster so many new experiences including two cross-country runs, two parkruns,  one half marathon distance training run, two blisters, losing feelings in countless fingers and toes, running longer and further than I have ever done previous. I am not being boastful just still in disbelief that this is me doing it. It isn’t all easy though.

Capital Runner 10km

Yesterday I lined up at my second 10km race, Capital Runners 10km in Bushy Park. It was a hard race. I used to think the hardest part would be the bit between the start line and finish line. During the race it felt easy, almost too easy, sure I was breathing hard but I had been on harder runs. I kept thinking I wasn’t pushing hard enough. On the 1st January I ran 10km in 58.50 , yesterday, yesterday I ran 53.05. During the run I realised that training isn’t just the bit between start and end markers, it is everything, eating, sleeping, resting and running. Hard parts can often appear small unexpected things.

Hard is putting on socks

• Hard is putting your socks on the right foot
• Hard is putting my trainers on when I just can’t be bothered
• Hard is making it to the start line when I can think of 101 excuses
• Hard is overcoming my “I can’t”, “there is no way” thoughts
• Hard is being proud of my achievements and not diminishing them
• Hard is lightning up, letting my body rest and recover when I actually want to go for a run
• Hard is organising life in order to make the time to go for a run
• Hard is standing freezing at the bus stop en-route to a run knowing that my nice warm bed is nearby and who would know if I went back
• Hard is going out knowing that I am going to return with no feeling in my fingers
• Hard is not beating myself up because I don’t think that I am trying hard
• Hard is going to bed when there is a good tv show on in order to get enough sleep to get up and fight another fight

Some of these are harder than others, most days I focus on the positives and get my trainers on and feel good when I get back. Everyone has struggles I can only deal with mine. Hard was realising how overweight I was, not being overwhelmed by the enormity of it and taking it one day at a time. I will have won so much just standing at the start line. No matter what my time is at Bath Half I know all the hard parts that I have gone through and survived, they are what makes the race easy.

Trainers on time for a run

NYD 2012 race report

On NYD 2012 I found myself in Hyde Park at the Serpentine 10km race about to embark on my first ever proper race, a timed 10km. Last time I did a run in Hyde Park was a Race for Life and I could ran 3km, walked 1km and jogged the final 1km. It was great seeing the variety of runners, all shapes and sizes, all levels of sobriety. I wasn’t feeling great, having been woken up by fireworks but looking forward to it. For some readers this may not be the most interesting of blog entries but hey this is my blog

Since this was my first proper race I was guaranteed to set a PB (Personal Best) but the previous day I had set myself some levels:

• Amazing Day: sub 1hr
• Great day: 1hr 15
• Good day: do my best and get to the finish line

Prisoner 329s tag

To get an accurate time you have to attach a timing chip to your ankle. I felt a little bit like a prisoner, even had a number to identify me. I used to be a prisoner in my own body. I wanted to be active to get out and about but the fat was trapping me.

The first km was busy due to the mass start but after that it settled down. I had my running watch set to auto-lap every km so knew that to do sub-1hr needed to run each km in less than 6 minutes, as the kilometres ticked down my kilometers were all around the 6 minute mark so I was feeling hopeful and revised my “great day” to 1hr 5minutes. I was trying to relax, breath and enjoy. There were marshalls cheering and directing the whole way round which was much appreciated!

Race rules said that you weren’t allowed headphones so I was just listening to my breath and my feet. Some runs I find I just stare at my feet and even though I consciously try to keep my head up, it just constantly drops, but in this run my head was up to the end. In the second half of the run I was running at a similar pace as the people around me, there was the women in pink shorts with a black hat, who I don’t know and will probably never come across again, but somehow her presence kept me going.

When I saw the finishing flags I couldn’t believe it. The run had gone really well but I still wasn’t sure what my overall time was. They had a clock at the line and it was almost at an hour, I wasn’t sure when it had started, from somewhere I found some extra energy and raised the pace. As I crossed the line I stopped my watch and was asked for my timing chip back – I am really glad the marshal removed it as I don’t think that I could have done it, my brain was a little addled. I couldn’t think straight.

The results are in

Eventually could think slightly straighter and changed the display on my watch and couldn’t believe what it said, 58:50, I had to stare at it for a while, not only was it sub an hour but it was over 1 minute under, I couldn’t believe it. I found that you could print out your results, I was very confused after printing out the results for 327 as that wasn’t me, then I realised I was 329. My offical chip time 58:49 and a few milliseconds

On the way home I popped into a Pandora charm shop to buy myself a new charm, I had promised myself to buy one when I did a sub-1hr 10km. My pandora charm bracelet is really special to me. As I was losing weight I bought myself a charm for every half a stone I had lost, if I was having a bad day it reminded me what I had achieved. Unfortunately when I seperated my shoulder the paramedics removed it in order to give me morphine and it went AWOL it had over 16 charms on it and meant a lot to me but it was just one of those things. My brother & sister-in-law bought me a new bracelet for Christmas last year.

Whilst on the way home I think that God was trying to tell me I needed a shower thanks to the almighty downpour!

Official Confirmation

Tired but happy!

Bring on 2012

I'm ontop of the world

I have been writing this blog for a year now and my thoughts turn to the new year and reflect on the year past. There have been so many memorable moments in the last year, moments of pure agony and pure ecstacy with may unexpected twists and turns. There have been lows (breaking my collarbone) right through to literally the highest of my life being on top of a mountian in Morocco.

I have been thinking about what I want to achieve in 2012. There are many intangible goals; expanding my cooking repitoire, losing a bit more fat, break my negative thought cycles but how do I know when I have achieved them? One thing that I have learnt about myself is that I work best when I have concrete goals that I am working towards, the Etape, Gold Duke of Edinburgh award. There are many sportives (nationally and internationally), adventure races, swims that I could train and work towards but what do I want to do?

Running along the sand not burying my head in it

I can’t remember who said it, or the exact words but I remember what it said to me a goal needs to be scary enough to get you out the front door but not too scary that you bury your head in the sand. If a goal is too easy you become complacent, too hard and it feels fills me with fear and dread. If it is at just the right level it motivates me and spurs me on to do better.  Once I am out the front door with my trainers on I have fun, but I need to get out the front door first. I am motivated by seeing stats improving, that I am going further, faster and improving, not competing against others only myself. Last friday I ran 11 miles (in 2 hours and 9 mintues) the only reason that I believe that I covered this distance is because I have the Garmin data to prove it to myself.

I could aim for the Etape again and cross everything that it will be third time lucky and that I will actually make it to the start line, but I have decided against it. The Alps and the Pyrenees aren’t going anywhere, but if I aimed for the Etape it has the real potential to break my spirit. I still have this want/desire to to do an Ironman, my meeting with Garry Palmer a couple of weeks ago really made it seem achievable with determination, time and a bit (or a lot) of money but I am not 100% there yet. For the next year I have decided to have a bit of fun, not put too much pressure on myself, see if I enjoy triathlons, the elements of triathlons and the training.

So from all this my main event for next year is London TriathlonOlympic Plus distance on 23rd September 2012 which is 1.5km swim, 90km bike ride and 10km run. Why the plus distance? Well they were sold out of Olympic and what is an extra 50km on a bike? I have decided to break this challenge down into bitesize chunks, covering the distances in each of the disciplines on their own so this is what I have booked for next year…

Big Achievable Plans

• New Years Day Serpentine 10km
• March Bath Half Marathon
• June Dragon Ride
• July Windsor Open Water swim
• September London Triathlon Olympic +

Any hints/advice/equipment/tips/comments/cheerleaders/joining me on the event welcome…